The first few months of my pregnancy have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been filled with lots of hope and worry. Early on, the angst and nerves I felt during this pregnancy were overpowering at times. I knew the real emotion I was experiencing was fear. We all have fear and are afraid of something…
Being pregnant and being a mom to an almost two-year-old, in general, can be emotional and challenging. Add this to the chaos of a global pandemic and you may find yourself in crazy town. I read once that anxiety is one of the most common pregnancy symptoms.
As a mom, I feel like a huge part of my job is to worry. It’s just a big part of motherhood. Some days I long for when I didn’t have to worry so much!
I worry about so many things. Am I being present enough with my family? Am I focused enough on Micah’s learning? Is he watching too much TV? Am I consuming too many unhealthy foods during this pregnancy? What will the COVID-19 protocols be when it comes time to give birth? Etc.
Recently, I listened to a 2017 interview on Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations podcast, where she interviewed Author Brené Brown. At one point during the interview, Brené was talking about how, after the 9/11 attacks, our culture became filled with fear.
We experience joy and then, suddenly, the joy we feel is accompanied by fear. The example she gave was going into your child’s room and watching them sleep peacefully. You feel joy and happiness and then, all of a sudden, you have a terrible intrusive thought. It is almost as though we are too afraid to allow ourselves to be truly happy because we are afraid that whatever is causing us this happiness could be taken away from us in an instant. So we find ourselves either withdrawing or being somewhere in the middle on the emotional scale. It is a really crippling way to live life and being pregnant during the Covid-19 pandemic definitely doesn’t help pregnant Mamas’ emotional states. As if we didn’t have enough hormones causing us to be extra emotional already!
In general, I don’t feel crippled by worrisome thoughts, but during this pregnancy, I have found myself somewhere in the middle of the emotional scale. It has gotten better as I get farther along. As each week passes I become more confident and allow myself to be more excited. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be having a little girl. As soon as we found out we were having a girl we named her, but there has still been this lingering fear within me. The fear of this pandemic and the future.
Bit by bit things seem to be falling into place for Mirielle’s arrival. Last weekend we cleared out her room, which used to be a guest room. My in-laws ordered her crib and I started creating her registry. I also purchased some mommy and me matching headbands and some super cute outfits for her. Let’s face it, I’m attached. I now find myself daydreaming about her and envisioning what life will be like once she’s here.
Today, I get to see her at my 20-week appointment. I haven’t seen her on ultrasound since I was 7 weeks! This time I will be going alone as Robert isn’t allowed to come with me. I’ll be armed with my mask, wipes, and hand sanitizer. I was told that they are keeping the ultrasound appointments “brief” in hopes of getting patients in and out of the office quickly. I know the experience will be different this time around, but I am still really excited to see her again. Especially since I know the next time I will get to see her will be at my 36-week appointment.
Ultimately, there are a ton of different opinions on how this pandemic will end. I do have faith that this will end and life will feel normal again. I do my best to remember that it is not my job to have all of the answers and I try to make peace with the fact that this is all out of my control.
Until this pandemic ends, all I can do is take things one day at a time and remember to be gentle with myself along the way.
Here’s an uplifting tune to help you feel more at ease. This one always puts a smile on my face.